Epic Mickey
(After the intro, we cut to a first-person view of the G-man looking through his Wii games) G-man: Wow! So many games! But I can only take a look at one… Hmmm… (He finds the case for Epic Mickey, pulls it out, looks at the cover and groans) G-man: Epic Mickey… (The G-man takes the game disk out of its case, and puts it in the Wii U) G-man (V.O): Epic Mickey is one of those Wii games that uses the Nunchuck. This version of the game comes with its own version of the Nunchuck that looks like a paintbrush with paint on it that changes from blue to green depending on which button you push on the Wii Remote. Good luck trying to get a good grip on this thing, because it doesn’t look like the normal Nunchuck would. (Cut back to the G-man on the couch in his basement) G-man: But enough messing around. Let’s play this game already! (The intro cutscene plays and the G-man explains what’s going on) G-man (V.O): We open with our hero Mickey discovering that the mirror in his room is actually a portal to Gandalf’s (The Wizard’s) art studio. He has a magic paintbrush, some paint, and some green stuff called “Thinner”. As soon as he leaves, Mickey accidentally creates one of our villains. (Shows a still-frame of the Shadow Blot) This monstrosity! Seriously, are you sure this is a kid’s game? Mickey luckily escapes and we’re shown a brief history of him as he sleeps. I guess they couldn’t get his clubhouse a cameo. (Cut to the Shadow Blot taking Mickey into the Wizard’s map) G-man (V.O): The Shadow Blot catches Mickey and takes him into a world where everything is completely messed up. I mean, take a look at where he ends up: (A P.O.V shot of Mickey opening his eyes and looking around. Revealing that he’s in the Mad Doctor’s lab) G-man (V.O): So Mickey is captured and- WAIT A MINUTE! (A record scratch sound effect plays as a still-frame of the Mad Doctor appears onscreen) Is that the Mad Doctor from that Mickey Mouse cartoon that was banned in Germany?! (Cuts back to the G-man looking horrified) G-man: It is! How the hell did he make it into a kid’s game?! When we saw him in the cartoon he was in, he (Clips of said cartoon begin to play) kidnaps Pluto and planned to cut him in half! (Cut back to the G-man) How did the developers not see this?! (Cut to a sketch of the G-man as the director of the game and his brother as an employee) Director: Alright, the stage is set, the characters are planned, let’s animate! Employee: Uh, sir? I have a question about the Mad Doctor character… Director: What about him? Don’t you like him? Employee: Nonono! I like the character, it’s just that, well, he seems out-of-place for a kid’s game. Director: What are you talking about? Employee: Well, in the cartoon he was introduced in, he wanted to preform horrific experiments on Pluto! Director: Ah, it was just a dream in the end! Employee: But sir- Director: Do you want to lose your job?! Employee: N-No… Director: Then hush up! (Back to the game) G-man (V.O): So the Mad Doctor plans to extract Mickey’s heart with… (Shows the weird machine hanging down from the ceiling) A downgraded version of GLaDOS? When we’re introduced to… (Oswald appears) Who the hell is that? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: I’m serious! Who the hell IS that?! I’m sorry, I’ve got to search this gut up… Time card read by the G-man imitating the Snooty French Narrator from SpongeBob: One Google search later… G-man: Alright, after a quick Google search, I found out that the name of that deranged rabbit is Oswald the Lucky Rabbit. Now, you may be wondering “Who the hell is that?” Well, I’ll tell you: Oswald is lost cartoon character that was replaced by Mickey… And, um… That’s it! I’m serious, that’s all I found out on his Wikipedia page! Apparently he’s so lucky, that he’s in a game that even Hitler would say: (Cut to a subtitled clip of Hitler from the movie Downfall) Hitler: What the hell is this?! I’d rather play Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde than this! (Back to the game. The machine reveals a claw, a pair of scissors, a corkscrew, and a plunger. The latter trying to get at Mickey’s heart) G-man (V.O): A “Kid’s game” everybody! (Mickey breaks free of his cuffs and throws the plunger at the Mad Doctor’s face. Oswald breaks the machine and makes it go haywire) G-man (V.O): So after beating our first boss, and a tutorial from this guy, (Gus) we learn the basic moves; Mickey can use a spin attack by shaking Wii Remote, and fire either paint or thinner from his paintbrush. (In a sarcastic tone) Gee, I wonder where I’ve heard that first one before. (A picture of the box cover of Super Mario Galaxy appears) Paint can be used to fill in empty spaces, and thinner can be used to reverse the effect. This also helps with defeating enemies. Use paint to turn the bad guys good and make them fight for you, or use thinner to destroy them for good. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Now, since this is a Mickey Mouse game, there must be lots of Mickey Mouse characters in here, right? Right? Well, (A montage of characters appears) there are robotic versions of Donald, Daisy, and Goofy! And Clarabelle Cow makes a cameo! And Pete is a boss! And… That’s it! (Back to the G-man) I’m serious! No other Mickey Mouse characters make any sort of appearance in his game! Not even any other cartoon characters make an appearance! (Cut to clips of gameplay in dark areas) G-man (V.O): On top of that, there are lots of areas in this game that are way too damn dark! Seriously, it’s so dark, Mickey almost blends into the background! (Cuts to Mickey dying) And at this point, I gave up. No matter how hard I try, I can’t get past this part! So that’s all for this review! (Cut to the G-man taking the game and putting it back in its case) G-man: Bottom line, Epic Mickey is bad. Can you believe that this game was made FOR KIDS?! Seriously, who made this game? (The G-man gets a look of surprise as he finds out that the game was licensed by Disney) G-man: Disney? This game was made by Disney? I can’t believe this! Disney made a game about Mickey Mouse that has an opening with a horrific monster and a mad scientist who wants his heart! What the hell were they thinking?! Anyways, I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that. Peace! Category:Episode